___________________________________________________________________________ ( ____ ____ ____ ) ) | || |\ \ WHICH I THEN DO NOT FEEL IN ( ( | || |/____/ SUCH A WAY AM ANY MORE NORMAL ) ) | || |\ \ ir file number 023 ( ( |____||____| |____| released 08.15.00 ) ) | || |\| | by Phairgirl ( ( |____||____| |____| we're just fucking with your mind. ) ) _impulse_reality_ ( (___________________________________________________________________________) Seven years. That's not much compared to some people, but far longer than many. Seven long, deluded, twisted years. That's how long ago I first dialed a modem and started talking to people. That was the first moment I turned into a frenetic, retarded melty creature. During a particular two-year period, I had at least five CYBER BOYFRIENDS: you know the kind I mean, where you come into a silly chat room together and be all lovey dovey and make everyone wretch (including yourself). It's utterly silly. I was young and desperate and I was tracking down boys three and four years younger than me for SERIOUS INTERNET DATING EXPERIENCES that, in a couple of cases, ended up in WILD WEEKENDS OF SEX. I don't mean to glorify this. I had CYBERSEX, I wrote PORN, I was a super CYBERWHORE. It was fun at the time I think. I got caught up in a lot of craziness including being visited by some guy from New York City who fucked me over and driving halfway across the country to Utah with some guy from chat in New Jersey to go meet a brother and sister that we wanted to fuck until they split in half. And as much fun as that week was, it didn't prevent the aftermath from getting really ugly. However, whenever I've met people for the explicit purpose of NOT having sex with them, it's been just fine. You don't get frantic phone calls from people's RL girlfriends when you haven't been fucking their brains out, and you don't feel like a tawdry whore when you know you're going back home and you'll never see that person again. There's something to be said for celibacy, I suppose. Oh, that's not to say I haven't TOTALLY WANTED TO JUMP on some of the people I've met. Gods no. I can think of two guys in particular (if not three, four, or more) who, in the right situation in the right lifetime, I would knock down and fuck like a wild rabbit. I mean, we all have URGES, acting on them is something completely different. And what the world really doesn't need is another stupid cybercouple. But all of this aside, the only reason I've even started pondering all of this again is because I was recently informed of some TOP SECRET INFORMATION regarding myself and others with dumb crushes. Part of it was easy to handle; one of my female friends wants to jam her tongue down my throat. No biggie, I mean, that won't lead to marriage or anything. The other is a little more complicated, as it seems one of my close male friends has suddenly decided somehow that he likes me, and I don't mean in an "I like apples" kind of way. Now, given that I preface just about every internet conversation with a male with "I don't do cybersex and I don't date people online," you would think that this sort of thing wouldn't happen. And coupled with the fact that this particular person ALSO prefaced his first conversation with me with the same disclaimer (and even went so far as to tell his mom that I had a boyfriend when he stopped by for a visit so he wouldn't get his mom's hopes up), then you would REALLY think that this sort of thing wouldn't happen. Fucking hormones. Fucking testosterone and fucking estrogen, fucking pheromones and fucking horniness. This situation really isn't worth pondering. I don't live anywhere near this guy. My mind refuses to think of him as anything more than a friend. No sparks. No bells and whistles. But I still am really happy with him as a friend of mine. After all, how many guys will sit up until four AM with a girl online talking about DOUCHE and DOUCHE-RELATED PRODUCTS? Not many. But then again, there's that click in the back of my mind about how I'm 23 and haven't dated anyone in QUITE A WHILE, haven't gotten laid in QUITE A WHILE, and haven't really cared in QUITE A WHILE. Not that this would get me laid, as there are approximately eight kizillion miles between me and this person whom I have no desire to have sex with. But still, the mind wanders at this point. In fact, I've tried forcing my mind to think of him in a sexual way. And let me tell ya, it hasn't been easy. My brain just ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT COMPUTE physical contact with friends of mine. It's short-circuiting over this. And, as incredible as this would be for anyone in RL to believe, I haven't been actively online for the past five days as I think about all of this. That's right, NO IRC, NO INSTANT MESSAGER, NO ICQ, MY GOD I'M DEAD TO THE WORLD. I can't remember the last time I went without contact online for five days in a row. Granted, I'm cheating, I still read my e-mail and reply when necessary, but I have a 'zine to run, and god forbid I should miss new posts on my favorite websites. Poo on me. Not only is all of this taking a toll on my CYBER LIFE, but also my SOCIAL LIFE AT HOME. Why, I've been thinking about it so hard that my car started smoking yesterday. Okay, so maybe the two aren't connected, but WHAT IF THEY ARE? I couldn't even concentrate on watching the Pokémon movie. That, my friends, is the biggest tragedy of all. I was debating quoting something famous and/or infamous here, just to give it that feel of symbiosis, however the only thing that's stuck in my head right now is german house music, and that's just not gonna cut it. Or maybe my brain is onto something... yeah... that's right... german house music... DEINE BLAUEN AUGEN MACHEN MICH SO SENTIMENTAL SO BLAUE AUGEN WENN DU MICH SO ANSCHAUST WIRD MIR ALLES AND'RE EGAL TOTAL EGAL DEINE BLAUEN AUGEN SIND PHÄNOMENAL KAUM ZU GLAUBEN WAS ICH DANN SO FÜHLE IST NICH' MEHR NORMAL ___________________________________________________________________________ ( ) ) Copyright (c) 2000 Impulse Reality - http://phonelosers.net/ir ( (___________________________________________________________________________)