s$ .d""b. impulse reality press no. 172 [-- $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------------------ --] $$ $$ "LAMENT OF INFINITE PAIN" $$ $$ written by kreid $$ $$ released 3/03/02 [-- $$ $$ ------ ------------------------------------------------------ --] LAMENT OF INFINITE PAIN (11/16/00) by kreid (goat@gti.net) PART ONE No one understands how hard it is for me; I have emotional problems*1. What most people take for granted, like, for example, getting out of bed*2, maintaining a balanced diet*3, interacting with other people*4, making love with other people*5, and most of all, resisting the forces of evil that lurk deep within me*6, these things that seem easy for most grown men to cope with are unbearable to me, because of my emotional problems, but I go on anyway. --(footnotes for stanza #1)---------------------------------------------- *1 A psychologist once told me this. *2 Chronic insomnia. *3 Sometimes I get a pain in my stomach right after I eat. *4 I haven't seen a doctor about this but I'm quite sure I've got Social Anxiety Disorder. *5 I feel inadequate. *6 I don't want to talk about it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deep down, I know I am beautiful*7, and yet I feel so ugly*8. That's what other people don't see. They will never understand the pain that I feel in me*9. You may ask me, "what goes on in your mind*10?" But I could never explain it, my pain will always fall on deaf ears, for my pain is your fear*11. --(footnotes for stanza #2)---------------------------------------------- *7 A number of people have told me this. *8 My head is too big. *9 That is, emotional pain. *10 It happens all the time. *11 I don't expect you to understand. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I take refuge with God*12. When I am dead, I will meet my maker, and I will not ask for an apology, no, just for a little understanding, for something I never had in life, for a shoulder to cry on*13, a person to talk to when in need*14. --(footnotes for stanza #3)----------------------------------------------- *12 I feel that organized religion is not for me, but I consider myself a spiritual person. *13 I have always felt alienated from my mother, she loved her other sons more than me, probably just because they're better-looking and have fewer emotional problems. I was always a good boy, but apparently not good enough for her. *14 My friends don't take me seriously. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Or maybe I'll go to hell, where ghastly demons with red-hot tridents will poke at my bottom for eternity. So be it. I wouldn't fit in in heaven anyway, because nobody loves me. I sit here, in abject misery*15, the cold steel of my knife pressed lovingly against my wrist*16. You don't think I'd do it, do you? What's stopping me? Unpaid bills? No, that's not it; I know what people think about me. They say it behind my back; I'm too weak, right? See, that just proves to me how nobody understands me. Goodbye...*17 --(footnotes for stanza #5)------------------------------------------------- *15 Caused by downright wretchedness. *16 This never goes anywhere. *17 ...forever! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 God? Is that you*18? I want to be sent back to earth as a butterfly. What is this wailing of souls I hear? Could this be the forest of suicides*19, As described in Dante's Inferno, Canto Thirteen*20? --(footnotes for stanza #6)------------------------------------------------- *18 The narrator has died. From here the poem assumes a mind-blowing spiritual zest. *19 As described in Dante's Inferno (Canto XIII). *20 This citation has already been established in the footnotes of this poem. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Woe*21! If only I had heeded the biblical teachings of violence against one's self, then I wouldn't be in this mess. It's so dark. Actually, it kind of reminds me of being born. --(footnotes for stanza #7)-------------------------------------------------- *21 Heavy calamity. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I ponder the idea; Are death and life really just the same process? Wow. I emerge from an egg, a caterpillar*22. --(footnotes for stanza #8)-------------------------------------------------- *22 This is a predictably unexpected development. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joy*23! For now I shall grow to be a beautiful butterfly, hopefully. Or I could grow up to be a moth*24. Oh no! I'm being eaten by a predator! --(footnotes for stanza #9)-------------------------------------------------- *23 The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight. *24 See: the butterfly and moth life cycle. Look it up in an encyclopedia or something. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- God? Is that you*25? --(footnotes for stanza #9)-------------------------------------------------- *25 There's nothing wrong with repeating one's self. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PART 3. I want to be sent back to earth as a rock*26. Poof! Darkness falls upon me once again. I feel... igneous. --(footnotes for stanza #10)------------------------------------------------- *26 I believe in karma. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PART 4. Life is not so bad. I spend my time wondering where and when I am*27. Occasionally rolling, doing multiplication tables, ejaculating*28, Don't get me wrong; if I could kill myself, I would*29. --(footnotes for stanza #11)------------------------------------------------- *27 Mt. Kilauea, Hawaii, 1959. *28 Igneous rocks ejaculate. Yes, they do. *29 Because of my emotional problems that make life unbearable but I go on anyway. End lament. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no. http://www.phonelosers.net/ir [-------------------------------------------------------------------------]